Saturday, June 8, 2013

Met with my sponsor Thursday nite. Always a smart thing to do.  We talk about choices I'm making and could make, we talk about how emotions cannot rule me, we talk about what good things I can do for myself. We talk about needing to be a grown-up, that there's tons of things I don't want to do that I have to do anyway.  It's strange, I don't really do anything I don't want to do.

A woman spoke on Friday night at our meeting. She is amazing. So anointed by God that the mere sound of her voice when she teaches stirs my heart to tears.  She has quite a story (Ruth used to say, "everybody has a story") and tells it so beautifully, enthusiastically, and on fire for God.  I just love to listen to her story.  I have heard it a couple of times now and I hear more and differently each time.

Today my roommate has an event to attend.  It is nice to have the place to myself and to breathe a little. I have chores to do, but I don't mind.  It's just nice to have some "space."

I remember the line from the movie "Spanglish" where the mother says to the daughter, with a Spanish accent, "there is a no espace between you and me!"  Yeah, I hear that......

Anyway it's the weekend, and it is nice and cloudy so I don't feel compelled to go out and play--I can stay in and do what I need to do.   Sure is nice to have all this freedom. Don't know why but I am appreciating it so much.

Hey feeling much less sad than my last post--Praise God!

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Feeling my feelings

Sad tonight.  Not totally sure why, but I have been isolating and not reaching out to my CR friends.
Need to get that fixed.  Old fears are creeping in.  Anger, resentment as to why my life has not turned out as I desired. Fear of living alone and also dying alone.  Who will care for me when I get older and sicker. Poor choices I've made...bla bla bla. What happened to that high energy, life-loving, happy girl I left behind at college?  Is she gone for good?  
Tomorrow is payroll day at work.  not difficult, just tedious. i am so buried and in over my head at work.  i walk in every day not knowing where/how to start, what to do first. i waste a lot of time that way.   
My health is totally out of control and my doc is ready to "fire" me.  I am not managing life or myself and things very well.  I guess getting a good night of sleep might help so I will sign off now. I pray for the strong desire to care for myself.  

June 2, 10:56 pm  Tomorrow will be better, my hope is in the Lord, who made heaven and earth. And Jack Owens Beekman, who took his first steps today.